Monday, November 5, 2012

It's been two weeks since I got hit. One month and two hits later to be exact. Although it only seems pertinent to the last two weeks. Things seem different as of late, well more unfavorable than usual. Headaches have become random but common. I could always count on having at least one a day now. I'm seemingly becoming absent minded of certain trivialities. Might not mean much but being anal retentive and all.... it's bothersome.
I've always felt a sense of uneasiness with holding down my current job but as of late it has been worse. An amounting debt that I'm in fear of being unable to pay off and having enough for rent increases the tension in me. This coupled with my fears for my job is slowly getting to be too much.
My lack or inability to sleep is increasing to the levels of when I suffered from serious insomnia. It wasn't such a big deal when I was younger but it seems I've reached a point in life where its taxing. This is creating a perception of lost time where sometimes I come into conciousness with no clue as to time or place.
Doctors, laywers, exams, claims, insurance needs to end. This isn't worth it, it seems and yet it's the only way to ensure everyone besides me are happy with the outcome and I get taken care of in some way. Why must I lose my mind in a matter in which I had no blame for and in fact was a clear victim of neglegancy?
I finally saw someone I could slowly but surely fall for and end up with....but she didn't see the same. It was harder for me than expected. I truly didn't feel I would get attached, change my tune, be the old hopeless me again....but it happened. It happened and it ended. I just want something meaniful and it seems I'm not worthy of it.
I had a panic attack today for the first time. I didn't expect it and it paralyzed me completely. I've been trying really hard to be the strong one, the one who can put on a face and show the world everything will and is alright.....but I fear. I fear I'm slowly losing it all and with it my mind. The world is making me uneasy, nervous, panicky, and worst of all shut out and shut down.
I'm the little boy at the beach who's taken all day to build his sand castle, only to have done it too close to the shore. Now the tide is coming up faster than I can act and my castle is being eroded into the sea right through my hands as I struggle to keep it all together. I'm unable to move away and slowly but surely I'm coming to accept the inevitable. The tide will swallow everything I worked for and quite possibly I along with it.

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